I am currently eerie wiggling on my grans phone call conversation to her cousin. (Grans phone is made for deaf people so everyone in the same room as her can hear the conversation.)
Her cousins husband has given up and is refusing to eat. The cousin is very frustrated at her husband that he is just giving up. I understand that being. A carer is a draining job. You feel a sense of duty of care towards the person. That you cannot give up on them. To tend to all their needs; toilet, getting washed and dressed, entertainment. The works. You do your best for them and you feel upset when they give up all together.
The man from what I gather is lovely to the doctors and nursing staff. But when his family arrive he is grumpy, doesn't take any interest in the grandchildren or his own children there to visit him and can be very hurtful.
His daughter (grans cousin) calls him selfish because he refuses to eat, drink, be grateful that he has family here.
Apparently two other men in the bay don't get visitors and she is angry that he isn't grateful at all for his own family.
It sounds to me like he has severe depression. And getting angry at someone for not being grateful is counter productive. It's all well and good me saying that as I'm not involved. But just something I've learned over the years.
Telling someone with depression to be happy, grateful, less selfish. Isn't gonna help them. The wife sounds like she is at her wits end. Which I fully appreciate. It's hard to watch someone deplete before your eyes. You feel helpless and so you deflect it onto the other person.
And I'm not even having a go at the poor woman. She's probably done everything she knows she can do. It must be awful to feel so helpless.
Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
It's the same with any other mental health issue.
Someone attempting suicide is not selfish. It's a cry for help at the very least. It's a struggle at to grasp the concept of this... What is this? Why do I feel like this?" And depending on the cause of depression (chemical/trauma related etc) "why don't I feel grateful for what I have?" This leading into a vicious circle of further despair.
Easier said than done. But if someone is refusing to eat, be active, etc you cannot physically make them do it. Sometimes just being there, listening, offering medical intervention such as medication, referrals to psychologists, physichiatrists etc. Can be helpful. Not for everyone. But it's worth a shot.
Some people are biologically conditioned into depression. That might be he wrong way to phrase it but it's the only way I know how to put it right now.
Acknowledging that there is a problem within the mind is the first step; and for some the only step that they can take for their loved ones. Acknowledging that this person is suffering mentally and emotionally is healthy. Sometimes you cannot fix it.
There's this tendency in today's society to fix the problem, right?
Jobs are created to problem solve. That's he whole point. But some problems cannot be solved. And because of the way the world has become. It's hard to accept that sometimes things cannot be fixed.
So if you are reading this and you know someone who is down, aggressive, can be hurtful, isolating themselves, refusing to eat etc.
Here's my advice:
🔹 Don't take it personally, it most likely isn't something you've done. Or isn't aimed at you directly (though it might feel like it if they yell at you about something. Most likely there's going to be something underlying going on
🔹 From here take a step back, be that creating space between you and your loved one. Or taking a moment to acknowledge that they are struggling with whatever this is around us right now. This thing that we have labelled as life
🔹 Not everyone has the same outlook on life as you. Not one mindset in life is gonna be the same for all people. Don't fool yourself. Just because you can accept something doesn't mean others can/will
🔹If you know someone who has attempted suicide. This person is vulnerable. Don't think for a second of telling them how selfish they are and to think of those left behind. This will only reinforce the mindset that "the world is better off without them as they only cause grief and suffering" despite the fact this isn't even remotely true. Take a step into their shoes and sit down with them. Sit in silence. Don't say anything. Just sit in silence. Show them you are there and wish to be present with them during this struggle
🔹 Take it one day at a time. There will be good days along with the bad.
🔹 Don't let being a carer consume your entire being. You need to look after yourself. Doesn't mean you have to go away for a spa weekend. Could be a simple face mask, book, favourite to show, pjs and a glass of wine/cup of tea. Take time out for you when you can.
🔹 Look for support, go to your GP for advice on how to look after your own mental health. If you're a carer, you most likely have a feeling of duty of care towards your loved one. You'll be no use to them if you burn out. Look after you.
I recently came across some old diaries that I kept when I was 14-17 when I was decluttering my house the other day.
My first thought as I saw them was "do I really wanna read all this cringeworthy shite?" But I'm honestly so glad I did.
I knew I went through some hard shit growing up as a teenager; but on reflection I had so much going on in my wee mind. My diary was one of the only things that kept me here as a teenager. Not that I was obviously suicidal. But the best description I've ever heard it said was from Kyle; "if there was a door for me to escape this world. I would have most likely stepped through it."
I would go as far as saying I was depressed with some serious anxiety. This might sound like a typical "I went through the depressed anxious teenaged phase and am trying to be relatable and relavent" but that's honestly not the intention of this post at all. Not on a superficial level. This is me acknowledging my struggles when I wasn't able to acknowledge them myself as a teenager. For many reasons (but that's a whole other story).
I'm talking constant fear of failing exams. No social life. And I truly mean it. I didnt regularly meet up with friends outside of school.
I went to after school revision classes that stopped at half 6. So literally spending 9 hours in school some nights. Homework, coursework and revision took 6-7 hours a night. Thus going to bed late at nearly midnight some nights. Hardly sleeping a wink for fear of failure. Nightmares waking me up at night. Waking up at half 6 every morning to get the early bus to school. Practising speeches for prize days and different events. Having to organise school house football teams on occassions (granted the last two didn't happen all the time but they definitely were time consuming). I had no time to go to youth groups unless it was a Sunday night after church. Even at that I couldn't always go as it was so heavily dependent on my work load. My grandad had not long died. As had my two aunties. My Gran was diagnosed with cancer and I couldn't really talk to my friends about how I truly felt for fear of "putting a damper on their day/burdening them." Not being able to talk to my family about how I felt because they felt the same and it wouldn't be helpful. Constant arguments with friends and family. Continuously overwhelming feeling that I'm letting everybody around me down. That I wasn't worth the effort of God even creating me. I bottled all of this up in my mind between the age of 14-17.
I also was part of the under 16s volley ball team for Northern Ireland but this was short lived as my parents couldn't leave my up to training at the weekends (it was 20 miles away). So I had to get two connection buses two get there. Sometimes it was dark and I didn't like to be in the wrong area at the wrong time of night. Also the UK school tournament wasps at a time when I would be starting a new school for my A levels; and I didn't want to miss out the first week of school when everyone was getting to know each other. So I had to drop out. I loved volleyball. The coaches had their favourites but part of me would love to see how that would have went had I pursued it more.
My only escape from this dreary teenaged life was to write stories. I wrote fictional stories about people and they had characteristics and traits that I wish I had. When I got on the bus every morning I would think of another twist in the plot to these people's lives. I thought about how I would like to handle it and made that part of their individual character. It was my only enjoyment at that time in my life.
I was completely taken a back reading these diaries as to how much I put up with and kept going and going til I eventually made myself ill with stress going into my GCSE exams. I couldn't stop reading. The nearly 25 year old me was looking at 15 year old me with different eyes. Eyes with experience. All kinds of experience. From watching and sitting with people who are dying, listening to people talk to me during their most vulnerable moments in life. Complete strangers opening up to me about their physical/emotional/mental weaknesses. Growing as a person, gaining independence.
Conflict management skills. Dealing with family and friends. All that life experience under my belt and the tears just rolled down my face.
I just wanted to leap through the pages and give 15 year old me a big hug, tell her the cliché saying of how everything will be ok but genuinely meaning it with true love and respect for how much this little girl was struggling.
I feel emotional just writing about this now, but in the most empowering way possible.
I talked to Kyle about it. Told him everything that I had wrote. Some I had forgotten, others I could remember exactly where I was when I wrote it and what was happening around me as I penned the words on the page.
He said "love and cherish that teenaged girl inside you. And think about how much you want to give her advice and share your experience now. Think about you in another 10 years; what would she say to 25 year old Rachel?"
I knew exactly what 35 year old Rachel would say to 25 year old Rachel. Come 35 I'll probably think of a few extra things to add onto what I think I know she'd say to me today.
The key thing I want to point out is. Without those experiences I had when I was 16. (And risking sounding like a fridge magnet quote) I wouldn't be half the person I am today without those experiences. So as tough, heart breaking and terrifyingly painstakingly anxious life was at that time. Here I am 10 years later. A nurse with lot of experiences only 2.5 years qualified. Still a long way to go and I'm aware of that fact. Openness in my heart to learn. Not only physical knowledge but so much more.
My heart is bursting with pride for myself and how far I've come. With the knowledge that I'm still growing and will continue to do so. It's always good to stop and reflect. It also helps to build character by acknowledging that this difficult times at different stages in your life.
Regardless, experience draws you closer to your true self. The self behind the voice in your head that asks "I wonder what I'll make for dinner tonight?" Or strategically plans things when in work.
And experience comes with trial and error. I'm still making errors with trial. But I can acknowledge myself as a strong willed warrior who is gonna stand up if someone/something knocks me down.
My heart is so full of love right now. Show yourself some love today!
Here's the thing.
I got engaged recently. I've learned from friends that have planned weddings etc. that it is hard going, you have fall outs with people and it can be stressful times.
People are always going to have an opinion about what you do/say.
I am a naturally apologetic person. I've come to realize the reasons for this and how this all started with me. I'm aware of it, and challenging it within myself as it happens. It hasn't changed over night. Each situation is completely different and sometimes I catch myself on time before I unnecessarily appologise, sometimes I catch myself too late.
I find it hard not to care sometimes. But what I have realised lately is that for fundamentally important stuff; for instance it's important to me and my fiancé to have vegan food at my wedding instead of dead animal corpses. How much we will spend, what way we will do things.
It's entirely up to us; we are paying for it. Therefore we will decide what the money pays for.
My gran had a go at me yesterday because I'm not having "my own minister marry us" and how "it's all changed from my day". I cut her some slack as she's 84 and you can't teach an old dog new tricks. However, I did assertively explain to her that since my fiancé lives and works in England and I'm in N. Ireland working as a nurse full time including weekends. I don't belong to a church. Most ministers want couples to do a 6 week pre-marital course which of course due to long distance being a thing we cannot do a 6 week pre-marital course together as the flights would cost an arm and a kidney to pay for him to come home for one day a week for 6 weeks, when that money could be used elsewhere more efficiently. Course granny being granny reiterated that it has all changed from her day and of course to all older folk. Any change is bad change. XD
I let it go after that. That's the approach I am taking from now on. Is say my part to nip the pass remarkable comments in the bud and if they want to ramble on then change the conversation to something more interesting... Like Cake. :D
Like I've mentioned to them before people "mean well for you" until it affects their ulterior motives. I struggle with this because in all honesty because I love being happy for people and wishing them the best in life. I struggle to imagine life not being like this.
Kyle says that he would be like this, unless it is to do with him, then why should he be happy. Sure he says congratulations and wishes people well but he isn't genuinely happy for people. The difference so many people are sneaky about it. If they are happy for you it is until something isn't going according to their plans. That's when you start having people nark on a wee bit about different things.
I've had to learn to be a bit blunt about certain things. Sometimes something will catch me off guard and I'll not know what to say. I think my advice to anyone out there whose also engaged/getting engaged soon; is to make sure that you are on the same page as your other half. Make sure that you are both a united front about things that are important to you, discuss what you are willing to compromise on and things that you just won't budge on.
Ugh feels good to get that out of my system ^_^
Setting goals. How many of us have set new years resolutions and 6 weeks later (or less) you haven't followed through with it?
Ever had a to do list that of things, could be little things that need sorting out... lies undone for longer than you care to truly admit.
Watch this video below about leaving things undone by Jordan Peterson.
Jordan Peterson is a psychology professor that I've found in recent days. He's a very interesting man who has been in the firing line of some negative attention by the media on some of his views. You can check out his channel for more info on this if you're interested in JP.
I like to listen ot JP's talks, I find what he has to say very interesting.
In this video he talks about dragons. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what the dragon represents in real life.
It represents those things that we are leaving undone that really should be tended to. Those things that you are neglecting to give attention to.
This could be anything from, decluttering, clearing out the car. To not acknowledging a problem within your relationship with someone. To something personal that you need to tend to spiritually/psychologically.
What about those goals you set yourself? Well maybe you could incorporate a "Dragon List".
It's very therapeutic. Make a list of all the things that you have been "meaning to do" be it the things I have mentioned, or something else that you might be able to think of.
It feels good to get them down on paper.
Make another list of when you wish to get these things done by.
Make the time frame realistic. Chances are when you start out writing out these dragons, you may feel pretty motivated to get shit done. That will fizzle out. set out a realistic time frame of when you want to have these things done by, item by item individually.
Adopt a similar mindset for goals of tasks you would like to accomplish in your lifetime. For instance, be at intermediate level for yoga in one year. Start going to a class in computer sciences. Take up a new career by starting a new degree. Travel the world by the time you are 30.
Then set out realistic time frames along with bullet points to supporting tasks you need to undertake in order to accomplish these goals.
My dragon list is posted on my bedroom wall so I always see it as soon as i get up.
I've made the goals as realistic and achievable as I can. The key is to make the goals are doable as possible.
If you set yourself a goal for example to lose 15lb in 2 weeks. (Depending on how fast or slow your metabolism is) this might not be realistic, achievable or healthy for that matter. Best to adopt an approach like; lose 1lb a week. For fitness, instead of committing to 2 hour workout/gym time/pilates etc a day. Try 10 pushups each morning when you get up. Going to the gym twice a week and one youtube work out at home. Eventually work your way up so as this is now a part of your daily routine.
So far my dragon list consists of some of the following:
1) yoga 5 days a week (15 mins)
2) meditate 15 mins a day (5 days a week)
3) pole dance once a week
4) wedding plans underway
5) study for nursing
6) think of another career path alongside/enhance nursing
7) lose weight
8) eat 1x greens a day
9) eat generally healthier
10) exercise more
These are the topics that I have chosen, within these there are many sub categories of how to achieve these goals.
Try making a dragon list and efficient goal setting and please let me know how you get on :)
My peace is disturbed more often than I care to admit during the average day 😂
We are all guilty of the same thing aren't we?
We allow things to annoy us. And you (if you're like me) might be saying "that's so me!" But at the time it doesn't feel like your allowing it to annoy you because you feel that someone else has violated your peace. That is true to a certain extent; and there are times where it is appropriate to display anger/disapproval of certain actions. It is however the way in which we go about this that is the key to letting go of unnecessary stress.
Some may find that they get caught up in what's happening, lash out, hold grudges. Others may be unable to find the words at the time, only realise what someone meant after the fact then feel a sense of self disappointment. Some find that they hold onto this anger at certain situations for long periods of time. Try and convince themselves by telling other people that they are "over it". Going over and over in their minds what they should have said/done/behaved. What would they have done differently. And let's be honest with ourselves. We love to do it. This cycle is toxic, everybody knows it. This overanalysing of past events. The "should have, could have, would have" mindset. Causes more inner turmoil than the circumstances deserve.
Accept how things were left at the time. They have happened. Is there a way to rectify it? (This question may not be answered straight away) if so, be mindful as to how to carry it out. Let go of frustration at yourself to be better, be tougher, be ore assertive. Self forgiveness is a big thing too. If you're frustrated at how you handled things. Let it go and just be here in this moment.
I am a 25 year old nurse, who is trying to find herself. This blog will contain epiphanies I have, my yoga progress and other such things. Enjoy. :)