Something I have been struggling with lately is the fact that there are people who negatively judge me for doing pole dance due to the stigma behind it. Some secretly and some not so secretly.
Here's the thing.
I don't really care what people think of me doing pole dance, deep down. Because I love it and that is all that matters.
I do care that people's warped perception from movies has given pole dancers a reputation for being "sluts" "hussies" "whores" & "strippers"
When in actual fact... Who gives a flying fuck really? How does it impact your life whether someone is a slut or not? It's just an adjective.
I for one am not confident enough to be a slut. Because it isn't in my personality. Doesn't make me a better person for it. However, pole dancing has definitely helped me to lose weight, build my confidence in myself and my appearance. Not to mention it has shown me that if I put my mind into it and practice lots. I can get the moves that once looked impossible. I love having a hobby outside of nursing. It's something I really look forward to each week and keeps me sane. I've made such amazing friends who are good listeners, who build each other up and are the best craic ever. What more can I ask for?
I don't have to justify myself to anyone/answer to no one in relation to what my extra curricular activities are. Writing this helps me to make sense of what my feelings are about it.
One thing I will say is that people need to educate themselves on pole dance and move away from the stigma that all polerinas are prostitutes and strippers. However; there are some who are. Big whoop?
#throwback to my friend Roísíns wedding last month where my hair and makeup were on point.😊💕👏🏽👌🏼💯
I love keeping a natural look when I have makeup on because I don't like the idea of looking like an entirely different person. For me I like to look like the best version of me and enhance my best features.
There's many reasons I don't bother wearing makeup (we'd be here all night so maybe that'll be another post for another day 😂😅)
I've been really stressed this week and haven't been sleeping the best which has been enough to knock me off my groove.
You know how it is, when you aren't feeling on top of your game; mole hills turn into mountains and for me it's been about my appearance. I've been avoiding mirrors all week because I've felt so shit about myself.
We all have bad days and we all have flaws that no one else would probably notice but yet we be so hard on ourselves.
Because of all this stress and lack of sleep, this week I've been so hard on myself and how I look.
What doesn't help is when people are so surprised by the fact that I do pole dancing.
A lot of people will say to me "you don't look like the sort of person who does pole dance" which really irks me because that means people have made snap assumptions about me. What does that even mean anyway? Do I not look slutty enough? Because that's a generalised sweep against anyone who does pole dance. Even so, 👏🏽who 👏🏽bloody 👏🏽cares if someone is a slut or not? (Again another post for another day 😂)
Is it because I'm so friendly, and look innocent and naive? This really has been annoying me lately.
But something I realised today was "what does it matter?" Not in a resentful way but in a genuine way. What does it matter what these people think? What importance do their views and opinions hold in my life? Do their opinions enhance my life in any way? No? Then don't worry about it. They have tried to place me in a little box based on my behaviours and mannerisms etc. I've jumped out of that box. Who really cares anyway if I look like the sort of person who should be joining a convent? (Nothing wrong with that, mind!) who cares if I'm the sort of person that strikes someone as "mother Teressa" like etc. I am me. I'm not here to try and appease anyone's little perception of me. I will just do me. And you do you.
I like to post inspiring things that help others. It makes me appear like I have everything all together and am a master of my own mind. But I'm really not. Most of the time I feel lost when I write inspiring captions with inspiring picture quotes.
Most of my childhood was dictated by what I'm 100% certain was OCD. It was hell. Made me insecure, in a constant state of anxiety and fear. I somehow had blocked most of these terrifying memories out of my mind.
I remembered them a couple of years ago when I watched a documentary on mental health retreats designed to help young people face and begin to overcome their mental health issues and disorders. It started a domino effect of memories that had been submerged in the back of my mind. At that point I started to wonder "... When was the point that this all subsided? I don't have half of these thoughts any more. I must have made myself better"
But something I've realising lately. Is that it never truly subsided. It just got smarter and more "mature"
I have different thoughts now that consume my mind day in day out. They developed and grew as I developed and grew. Some days they are so difficult to face. Today was one of those days. Sometimes the thoughts are so overwhelming I have to lock myself away for short periods when I'm working. Even longer periods when I'm alone.
Sometimes I need space to just be here and process all this myself. I'm terrified writing this as I know how vulnerable I'm making myself.
But sometimes making yourself vulnerable and writing it all down can help process things and allow you to take a step forward in life. You are not you're thoughts.
I have so many things that I allow to have power over me. That's the key word here "allow". I give these these things the power to consume my thoughts. We all have our struggles. That gives me comfort, that we all have our own individual issues that take up unnecessary space in our minds. Let go of that balloon. Let it float away. It's a liberating feeling. Don't be afraid to just let it go. Sometimes it might find its way back to you and you might end up clasping it again. Ride out that storm. Then let it go when it's ready. But the point is that you are worth it. You have value of your own kind and definition. You are it.
I am a 25 year old nurse, who is trying to find herself. This blog will contain epiphanies I have, my yoga progress and other such things. Enjoy. :)