Tonight as I drove home from work after being on my feet all day in A&E.
I was driving down the road where I saw a few cars in front of me stopped. A dark figure was standing in the middle of the road. I immediately knew something wasn't right. So I carefully pulled up behind the car in front of me and stuck my hazards on. I took a deep breath as I stepped out of my car and knew exactly what was going on here. I stood up and called out to the girl to see was she ok? She was shivering and crying. So I walked over calmly and opened my arms to hug her. She immediately hugged me back very tightly, sobbing. I gave her a big cuddle and said "it's difficult isn't it?" She nodded and sobbed quite a lot. My heart really went out to this girl. She really looked very fragile and in such a bad place. The wrong person could have come along and completely taken advantage of this poor girl. I suggested that we come off the road and have a chat in my car. (I'm very lucky that this didn't end badly) She sat down in my car and we chatted. I explained that I'm a nurse and that she could trust me but also expressed the importance of how I would suggest not just following any Tom, Dick or Harry into their car. I introduced myself as did she. She is 12 years old. She completely opened up and told me how she is struggling at school to keep up with her studies. She felt so under pressure to cram everything in and get everything right. That she was letting people down and felt suicidal. I asked her very openly if she had made any plans in the past relating to suicide and she said that she had thought about hanging herself in the past. Me being a nurse couldn't help but ask some questions about her medical history purely to assess if this girl needed to be taken to hospital. I sat and listened as she told me about her mummy and how her mum has tried to help her. That her mum knows she has depression and is trying to help her even with the studying but it all feels like too much. She explained that her mummy feels that she is helpless. She also told me that she told a friend once that she had depression and the other kids in class found out and constantly made fun of her for it. My heart was breaking for this girl. I just wanted to make everything better for her. We must have sat in the car for about 20 mins. Before I suggested that I take her home. She seemed anxious but I reassured her that I'd take her to her door and have a quick chat with mum in a good way. She then agreed and was fine with that. When I knocked on the door my heart was literally in my mouth as I didn't want to get this wee girl into trouble. Or myself as I realised the potential for a volatile confrontation. I did my best to explain that the girl didn't have any bad intentions and that she has told me she is struggling and needs some help. I told her mum that we have had a good talk and she feels a bit better for having talked about it and that she said she has a good relationship with her mum. I wished her and the girl all the best. And I truly meant it. Some of my A&E colleagues would probably shake their heads at me for being so "naïve" but at the very least this was a cry for help regardless if nothing else. This girl needed someone impartial to her life who wasn't going to tell her that "she has nothing to be stressed about" that "she's only 12, just study and stop thinking you're suicidal". I am in no way criticising her mum. By all means it sounds like she is doing a bloody good job given the circumstances. Sometimes I imagine as a parent it can be hard to take it all in, that this child you have given birth to, provided for and cared for all their life is struggling to grasp the concept of life. Whatever that even means. The whole thing just felt so surreal to me. I phoned Kyle immediately after dropping the wee girl off home and chatting to her mum. I was literally shaking as this could have gone so differently. Kyle was so good in listening as I cried a bit. I could relate so much to how this young girl was feeling. To how she was expressing herself and how emotional she was. It just tugged at my heart strings. The whole thing has really got me thinking more about mental health. How quick are we to brush these kinds of concerns kids have under the rug? "They can't be stressed they're only 12! What have they to be stressed about? They don't know real stress!" Who are we to suggest that we know them better than they know themselves. They know what their capacity is for stress. I know plenty of folks who say that this is selfish behaviour. Well, what I say to that is "why the hell not?" It's about time that we start looking after ourselves. And self harm, suicidal tendencies and even cries for help much like this are a result of not getting the right help/not looking after yourself as a whole person. "Oh but they aren't thinking about those left behind. They're only thinking about themselves." I wish it was only that simple. If you could only have a glimpse into what people who are suicidal are constantly having to battle with you'd soon understand that they aren't behaving this way out of selfishness. They're doing it because the feel hopeless and that nothing can actually save them. That they are a burden on family and that their families are better off without them. These people are not thinking "I want attention and I want to make my family suffer so I am going to kill myself" and if anyone truthfully believes that this is the case. Really do lead sheltered lives. Sometimes religious passages alone cannot save you from this pit of despair. And it's easy to say "you need a stronger faith" if you have never actually experienced the true hellish torture that is your mind. You cannot understand someone or something if you have this mindset. Sometimes it is good to be open and honest. Sometimes all that's needed is a listening ear.
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AuthorI am a 25 year old nurse, who is trying to find herself. This blog will contain epiphanies I have, my yoga progress and other such things. Enjoy. :) Archives
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