I recently came across some old diaries that I kept when I was 14-17 when I was decluttering my house the other day.
My first thought as I saw them was "do I really wanna read all this cringeworthy shite?" But I'm honestly so glad I did. I knew I went through some hard shit growing up as a teenager; but on reflection I had so much going on in my wee mind. My diary was one of the only things that kept me here as a teenager. Not that I was obviously suicidal. But the best description I've ever heard it said was from Kyle; "if there was a door for me to escape this world. I would have most likely stepped through it." I would go as far as saying I was depressed with some serious anxiety. This might sound like a typical "I went through the depressed anxious teenaged phase and am trying to be relatable and relavent" but that's honestly not the intention of this post at all. Not on a superficial level. This is me acknowledging my struggles when I wasn't able to acknowledge them myself as a teenager. For many reasons (but that's a whole other story). I'm talking constant fear of failing exams. No social life. And I truly mean it. I didnt regularly meet up with friends outside of school. I went to after school revision classes that stopped at half 6. So literally spending 9 hours in school some nights. Homework, coursework and revision took 6-7 hours a night. Thus going to bed late at nearly midnight some nights. Hardly sleeping a wink for fear of failure. Nightmares waking me up at night. Waking up at half 6 every morning to get the early bus to school. Practising speeches for prize days and different events. Having to organise school house football teams on occassions (granted the last two didn't happen all the time but they definitely were time consuming). I had no time to go to youth groups unless it was a Sunday night after church. Even at that I couldn't always go as it was so heavily dependent on my work load. My grandad had not long died. As had my two aunties. My Gran was diagnosed with cancer and I couldn't really talk to my friends about how I truly felt for fear of "putting a damper on their day/burdening them." Not being able to talk to my family about how I felt because they felt the same and it wouldn't be helpful. Constant arguments with friends and family. Continuously overwhelming feeling that I'm letting everybody around me down. That I wasn't worth the effort of God even creating me. I bottled all of this up in my mind between the age of 14-17. I also was part of the under 16s volley ball team for Northern Ireland but this was short lived as my parents couldn't leave my up to training at the weekends (it was 20 miles away). So I had to get two connection buses two get there. Sometimes it was dark and I didn't like to be in the wrong area at the wrong time of night. Also the UK school tournament wasps at a time when I would be starting a new school for my A levels; and I didn't want to miss out the first week of school when everyone was getting to know each other. So I had to drop out. I loved volleyball. The coaches had their favourites but part of me would love to see how that would have went had I pursued it more. My only escape from this dreary teenaged life was to write stories. I wrote fictional stories about people and they had characteristics and traits that I wish I had. When I got on the bus every morning I would think of another twist in the plot to these people's lives. I thought about how I would like to handle it and made that part of their individual character. It was my only enjoyment at that time in my life. I was completely taken a back reading these diaries as to how much I put up with and kept going and going til I eventually made myself ill with stress going into my GCSE exams. I couldn't stop reading. The nearly 25 year old me was looking at 15 year old me with different eyes. Eyes with experience. All kinds of experience. From watching and sitting with people who are dying, listening to people talk to me during their most vulnerable moments in life. Complete strangers opening up to me about their physical/emotional/mental weaknesses. Growing as a person, gaining independence. Conflict management skills. Dealing with family and friends. All that life experience under my belt and the tears just rolled down my face. I just wanted to leap through the pages and give 15 year old me a big hug, tell her the cliché saying of how everything will be ok but genuinely meaning it with true love and respect for how much this little girl was struggling. I feel emotional just writing about this now, but in the most empowering way possible. I talked to Kyle about it. Told him everything that I had wrote. Some I had forgotten, others I could remember exactly where I was when I wrote it and what was happening around me as I penned the words on the page. He said "love and cherish that teenaged girl inside you. And think about how much you want to give her advice and share your experience now. Think about you in another 10 years; what would she say to 25 year old Rachel?" I knew exactly what 35 year old Rachel would say to 25 year old Rachel. Come 35 I'll probably think of a few extra things to add onto what I think I know she'd say to me today. The key thing I want to point out is. Without those experiences I had when I was 16. (And risking sounding like a fridge magnet quote) I wouldn't be half the person I am today without those experiences. So as tough, heart breaking and terrifyingly painstakingly anxious life was at that time. Here I am 10 years later. A nurse with lot of experiences only 2.5 years qualified. Still a long way to go and I'm aware of that fact. Openness in my heart to learn. Not only physical knowledge but so much more. My heart is bursting with pride for myself and how far I've come. With the knowledge that I'm still growing and will continue to do so. It's always good to stop and reflect. It also helps to build character by acknowledging that this difficult times at different stages in your life. Regardless, experience draws you closer to your true self. The self behind the voice in your head that asks "I wonder what I'll make for dinner tonight?" Or strategically plans things when in work. And experience comes with trial and error. I'm still making errors with trial. But I can acknowledge myself as a strong willed warrior who is gonna stand up if someone/something knocks me down. My heart is so full of love right now. Show yourself some love today! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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AuthorI am a 25 year old nurse, who is trying to find herself. This blog will contain epiphanies I have, my yoga progress and other such things. Enjoy. :) Archives
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